October 15th

Today, October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. I woke up this morning with a tugging on my heart and a need to be near to the Lord. I had no idea about the day until a friend sent me something on Facebook. No doubt, that tugging was no coincidence. The Lord our God knows exactly what the heart needs and He knew that I would need some extra love today.

On my way to work I was greeted by a beautiful sunrise containing the promise of a new tomorrow. He will draw near to us, the broken hearted. And although my heart is full of anxiousness to meet my sweet daughter there is, and always will be a longing to hold our first born again. Baby H is forever in our hearts. He came and left way too soon. Some days the only thing that I find comfort in, is knowing that one day will be reunited with him in Heaven. And what a glorious day that will be.

Yes, I am member of a club that I would wish the membership on no one. Its a special bond between woman, where they just know. They know the heart ache, the tear filled nights and sometimes days. I am proud to stand with many brave woman and share in their healing. I am grateful for God's mercy and His knowing that I would need other woman to suffer alongside. Hopeful Hearts, a grief group has been exactly what I needed and led me to a Homegroup where 3 other woman went through similar situations. God is sovereign.

So today I stand, holding hands with other grieving mothers and we long for our babies. But one day there will be no more tears and we will see those faces again. I am thankful for that promise. Yes, God is good.

Hopeful Hearts

Since Mr. H and I have moved into our new house we have been most excited about finally attending the Village church on a consistant basis. We didn't make the Saturday night service which meant Sunday morning I woke up, fighting the urge to stay in bed and snuggle with Mr. H, and headed to chuch on my own. I really wanted to stay under the covers but I am so glad I went with a detour to stop for my new fav. drink {iced coffee, coconut sweetner with heavy whipping cream}.

I was nervous as ever to go to church with all these crazy hormones and all. I thought I would be a blubbering mess. And I was going to have to sit by myself. Instant hormone booster: Alone and a blubbering mess.... not good. In my last blog I talked about God's perfect timing and Sunday morning I experienced this as soon as I walked through the Village doors. The power point that plays before the sermon begins showed a slide about the Hopeful Hearts Ministry. This ministry provides support for women who have either lost a child or are suffering from infertility. {God has perfect timing.} I sat there by myself thinking how wonderful it is that there is a ministry that provides this kind of support. I consider myself kind of outgoing, more so a joiner when I have a friend to go with, so I didn't know how I felt about attending yet. Seconds later I found out that my parents were at the same church service so I no longer had to sit by myself. {Perfect timing x 2.}

I made it through the service without blubbering too loud :) Sunday and all day Monday my mind kept returning to the Hopeful Hearts meeting that night. I wanted to go and decided to tell Mr. H and my mom about it so they could keep me accountable for going. Mr. H incouraged me to go and my mom felt the same way. That evening arrived and with nerves and sweaty palms I pulled into the parking lot. Wonderful... only two cars were in the parking lot. My natural instinct was to turn right around and go home. Especially since it was Mr. H's night off. I fought the urge and opened the door, I mean I had already drove all the way there. As I walked in I was instantly so glad I stayed.

Within ten minutes the room began to fill and I was surrounded by 15 women, some in the same circumstances having lost a child but some suffering with infertility. I felt so comforted to be surrounded by women who, without even knowing my name, were so kind because me being there meant I was grieving in a similar way as they were. When the meeting began we shared our stories, some full of sorrow and tears but others were celebrating because they had overcome the battle of infertility. As the meeting ended I felt like I had gained 15 new friends, women who would be praying for our family and for our healing. I think I was nervous to go to the meeting because I thought I would feel sad when I left, but I left with a feeling I had not felt this far. I felt thankful.

Many women there were battling infertility and spending thousands of dollars on fertility shots that in turn were only causing more pain; physically and emotionally. I felt thankful that we are able to get pregnant. And even though that joy was taken we will be able to have a baby one day.
Just not now.

Like I said, God's timing is perfect. Even if His timing is not my own. With Hopeful Hearts, His timing was my own and I am so happy I listened.

"God is near to the brokenhearted, He will rescue those crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18