Sunday, July 17, 2011

30 Days

One month. The days have truly crept by but it feels like yesterday when our world was rocked. A "normal" month has a certain flow and steady pace as we go about our routine, but this past month has been nothing normal.

As the days pass the routine starts to fall back into place and am beginning to feel a little more like myself again. Laughing and smiling but then a feeling of guilt creeps in and I catch myself thinking about that day and worried that I may be forgetting. Then there are mornings when I wake up filled with sadness and I wish that those smiles were anywhere in sight and I am reminded that I will never be able to forget. I am still on that hormonal, emotional rollercoaster but the healing continues and each day gets easier.

On Friday we had our post op appointment with our doctor. The results from the first half of the autopsy came back and a huge prayer was answered. After the diagnosis of multi cystic kidney disease, we were told it could either be a closed case which would not effect future pregnacies or it may be a reoccuring concern in the future and could be related to our genetics. After 30 days of praying, and trusting in God's plan our doctor told us that everything came back normal and it looked as if the cysts were due to complications with the baby's development, and just a fluke which have nothing to due with the combination of our genes. A huge weight was lifted when she spoke those words. We are looking forward to becoming parents again sometime soon and it is nice to have that stress taken from us.

At the appointment we found out that sweet Baby H was a boy. The news has made the past few days a bit more difficult thinking about the plans we had made for our baby. Thinking about the plans that will never be... but I have a peace and smile thinking about our baby boy up in heaven.

Our plans have changed but I am anxious to see the plans that are in store for me and Mr. H in the next few months as each 30 days will get a bit easier.