This holiday season has been very different for me. After passing Baby H's due date in the middle of November Thanksgiving was a difficult time but I don't think I was prepared for the emotions that emerged during Christmas. This would be baby's first Christmas... There would be 3 Hruskocys... Our son would be in the annual Hruskocy cousin picture... There were a handful of moments where my heart sunk and I couldn't force a smile thinking about what we are missing without our baby.
Earlier this season during one of the Hopeful Hearts meetings the discussion turned to "joyrobbers." During a time of loss or suffering they run wild during holiday seasons. Anger, bitterness, envy and jealousy... I would be lying if I said I was not feeling these, infact every one of these joyrobbers have resided in my heart at one time this Christmas.
My heart is sad and envious of mothers who are kissing their babies goodnight and are starting new Christmas traditions with their families. Joy has been absent from my heart.... for months really. True joy, not a smile or a laugh, but I have not felt true joy for months now. It makes me really sad, I consider myself to be a very happy person.
So I have decided that now and definitely in the New Year, to choose Joy. I believe that choosing Joy is a choice. And even though I have been craving that happiness as it has been absent from daily life, I have not made that consious choice to choose joy. Although my heart is aching to hold our baby boy I am blessed beyond measure here on this earth. This past year has been a year of suffering and struggle for our family, there is no ignoring that, but I am choosing to find the joy. We were able to buy our first home, and I have fallen in love all over again with my husband through our hardship.
I have found great comfort in the story of Job. A faithful man who never sinned against God was struck with every hardship and yet he rejoiced and praised the Lord. He showed his faithfulness to God and God blessed him...
God will let you laugh again; you'll raise the roof with shouts of joy. Job 8
God is faithful and I choose joy.
When these "joyrobbers" put a feeling of sadness in my heart I rejoice in the fact that our God's love for me is bigger. Instead of our baby celebrating his first Christmas with us, our baby boy is celebrating Jesus' birth in Heaven! Can you imagine that birthday party?!?!
And that vision, will put Joy in anyones heart... especially mine.
