Bittersweet

This Father's Day we are celebrating a healthy pregnancy, a growing baby and the many happy days we have had so far this go round. But June 17th last year was a day of great sadness as we said goodbye to our baby boy much, much too soon. It is hard to believe that one entire year has passed since we got to meet our son, and tried to grasp each second we held him before he went home to heaven.

The past 365 days have been some of the hardest of my life and the most trying days in our marriage. While there have been many tears, questions asking "why?" and wrestling with the acceptance of God's plan it is undeniable that God has been with us every step of the way. Our God is so rich in mercy and has never left our side. Grieving is messy... it is not smooth. There is not one day where I have felt the same as the day before. There are lows, lots of lows, days where I feel almost guilty for enjoying myself but I have a peace in knowing that I can't hide any of these feelings from God. He knows it all, if I can't find the words to pray He knows and He is faithful.

He has put so many people in our paths that have had a specific purpose in our healing. Whether they have acted as a friend to listen, a home group to pray for us, a church body to worship with and in some intentional situations or people's circumstances we have been able to see a glimpse of God's indescribable power. And although I long to hold that sweet baby I know that His intentions were clear, to draw me closer to Him. The past year has been hard, it has made me a member of a club I would wish on no one. But being in the "club" you experience a love so powerful, grace so rich in mercy that I have felt lucky to have the opportunity to feel that connection. What a completely different place we are in than June 17th last year.

Each day still brings a mix of emotions, but today I feel blessed. Singing praises in church and longing for the day with no more tears, where Tom and I will reunite with our boy. What a sweet, sweet day that will be.

Worshiping God does not require that we understand or approve of what God has allowed into our lives; it simply requires a heart that desires to trust God and a will that is bent toward obedience to God regardless of our feelings.     One Year Book of Hope; Nancy Guthrie

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In Memory of Baby H. 

June 17th, 2011

 

After losing Baby H. our families had talked about doing something to remember our son. There was talk about it then as the grieving began it didn't resurface for a bit. My mom and I talked about how a tree would be nice to plant in our yard, since we had just bought our first home. I have always loved Magnolia trees. There blooms are beautiful. So about 2 months ago my mom and dad surprised us with a small Magnolia seedling. Before the Texas heat was turned on full blast Tom and my dad planted that beauty in the ground. 

I wanted there to be purpose behind the location of our tree, somewhere we would see it often. A daily celebration and remembrance. We decided to plant it on our side yard, outside our kitchen window where we look out multiple times a day. It now makes doing the dishes a bit more enjoyable, thinking about our sweet boy. 

 Just a baby tree here...

I had never researched our looked into Magnolia trees, I just recognized their beauty and had seen them flourish here in Texas, which meant they could survive the summers. After she was planted in the yard I googled the symbolism of a Magnolia tree... 

 Well of course we think of Julia Roberts in the movie Steel Magnolias which then stated; a "steel magnolia" is a popular phrase denoting the strength a Southern woman possesses. This past year has made me realize and truly believe that I am strong, and God's strength lives in me. I never felt like I was strong before. A Magnolia tree's energies help to strengthen and activate the heart, it is the center of idealism, love and healing. A Magnolia reminds us to be true to our ideals and our heart, no matter the pressure upon us. 

I love everything about this. Those words are a perfect testimony to our past year. 

So as we look back on the trying times, this tree, our Baby H reminds us that God is God.