Katie Ann

I have been trying to decide if I was going to create a post or just let it be... moving on from the past week and a half. I'm working through the emotions and feel like each time I talk and let it out it makes it a bit easier to feel these feelings. I think I've started and stopped this post multiple times... anyway here it goes.

In the last post I told you we had our doctor's appointment to reveal the sex of Baby H. During the sonogram the ultra sound technician discovered that our sweet baby had cysts on one of it's little kidneys. At 16 weeks the baby's kidneys begin to function on their own and due to the cysts, Baby H's kidneys were not functioning or producing any fluid around it's body. She told us the baby had Poly Cystic Kidney Disease. The news crushed my soul. And I felt my heart sink. Our doctor had scheduled us to see a prenatal specialists the next morning and the 15 hour waiting game until our appointment seemed to creep by.

The next morning my sweet husband, my mom and I went to the appointment. That morning, has been the hardest, emotionally draining day in my life thus far. The appointment revealed that our baby had cysts on both kidneys; it was infact Multi Cystic Kidney Disease. Because the cysts were on both kindeys and no fluid was being produced, there would be no lung development which is fatal. Fatal- the hardest, heart peircing word. I crumbled. The hardest news was still to come.

While dealing with the news that my dream of becoming a mother and starting a family with Mr. H were no more, we had to decide which path we would take. In order to recieve the most information and know if this was something genetic between us or just some 1 in a 1,000 bad luck we were checked in to the hospital 2 days later and I delivered Baby H at 18 weeks on Friday June 17th, 2010. I will keep the events of that day private and close to my heart. It was the most heart breaking, life changing but spiritual experience.

Ok... phew the hard facts are out.

So here we are in the aftermath, working through the emotions and feelings that come with losing a child. I am unsure about a lot of things and I know I may be for a while but there are a lot of things that were made clear to me that I discovered in the loss.

I married the most caring man in the world. He is truly tailor made for me. Through the heartache and mountains of tissues. I have fallen head over heals in love with Mr. H again. He has surprised me with his tenderness and selflessness over the past week and been there for me in ways that have left me speechless. God gave me this man knowing that we would face this heartache together and he would be just what I needed in every single way.

God's timing is perfect. In a situation like this I have to rely on my faith and believe that this is in Gods hands and His timing is perfect. His timing may not agree with my own desires but I am trying with all my might to trust in this truth. We may not understand now, or in a few years. But through other struggles that have passed I believe that one day, one small thing will happen and we will see that God's timing was in fact perfect.

We have some of the most loyal and loving family and friends. We have been wrapped in the prayers and love of our sweet friends and family near and far. It's so encouraging to know that we have people in our lives that will pick us up when times are hard and provide us with anything we need. We have been living off meals from family and friends since last Thursday, we are full of good food and the love they have given us. Thank you so much!

I am trusting in those 3 truths and relying on those when the days get hard. There are good days when I can laugh and feel like myself but of course the times are hard when I remember the heartache or can start crying over the silliest thing. I am hoping some of this may even out when the hormones balance out. Let the healing begin...